I’m probably opening myself up to a bunch of OMG UR FAT jokes, but I don’t care. I unabashedly love cupcakes. I don’t care what they are, I just love them. I love them so much that I often will not eat them with frosting, just taking in the cake-y goodness in the perfect portion size and eating them until I’m ready to vomit.
That’s right, vomit. Unlike most adults with dignity and self-respect, I don’t see a dozen cupcakes and think wow a birthday party must be happening. My thought process is probably closer to how am I going to put all of these on one plate and eat them before someone notices. It’s a problem and it’s unhealthy, but I figure that it’s better than crack. So unless you want me to turn into a hardcore crack addict, lay off of the diabetes speeches.
I received a text from my wife, saying that there were cupcakes being left out for me. I was super excited. Sure I was under orders to not eat them all, but I also knew that she’d forgive me. I knew there were some that were yellow cake ones and others that were made of carrot cake and I got super excited.
Today, I held out until after lunch to eat one of the delicious cupcakes. I pictured them in the kitchen, wrapped in a towel and sitting in the pan like she always leaves them when she takes the larger batch of cupcakes she’s made to school and my mouth watered. I was ready for a cupcake. When I walked into the kitchen I saw something perched atop the covered pan of cupcakes. I saw Spooky the Cat.
Spooky is the oldest of our cats, and she’s gotten to the age where her true passion in life is to sit very still atop things that are warm. I’m assuming that the towels covering the cupcakes and the sunlight that comes in our kitchen window, warming that exact spot was too much for her not to take. She sat her fat ass down on the cupcakes – my cupcakes for I don’t know how long. I quickly placed her in the floor and went to check on my cupcakes. What I found was a tragedy that hit me harder than 9-11 ever could have.
Right now I’m despondent. Something beautiful was destroyed by a shitty cat. Rest in peace cupcakes; your journey from the oven to my lower G.I. will not happen, disappointing everyone.







