Cupcake Fail

I’m probably opening myself up to a bunch of OMG UR FAT jokes, but I don’t care. I unabashedly love cupcakes. I don’t care what they are, I just love them. I love them so much that I often will not eat them with frosting, just taking in the cake-y goodness in the perfect portion size and eating them until I’m ready to vomit.

 

That’s right, vomit.  Unlike most adults with dignity and self-respect, I don’t see a dozen cupcakes and think wow a birthday party must be happening. My thought process is probably closer to how am I going to put all of these on one plate and eat them before someone notices. It’s a problem and it’s unhealthy, but I figure that it’s better than crack.  So unless you want me to turn into a hardcore crack addict, lay off of the diabetes speeches.

 

I received a text from my wife, saying that there were cupcakes being left out for me. I was super excited. Sure I was under orders to not eat them all, but I also knew that she’d forgive me. I knew there were some that were yellow cake ones and others that were made of carrot cake and I got super excited.

 

Today, I held out until after lunch to eat one of the delicious cupcakes. I pictured them in the kitchen, wrapped in a towel and sitting in the pan like she always leaves them when she takes the larger batch of cupcakes she’s made to school and my mouth watered. I was ready for a cupcake. When I walked into the kitchen I saw something perched atop the covered pan of cupcakes. I saw Spooky the Cat.

Spooky is the oldest of our cats, and she’s gotten to the age where her true passion in life is to sit very still atop things that are warm. I’m assuming that the towels covering the cupcakes and the sunlight that comes in our kitchen window, warming that exact spot was too much for her not to take. She sat her fat ass down on the cupcakes – my cupcakes for I don’t know how long. I quickly placed her in the floor and went to check on my cupcakes. What I found was a tragedy that hit me harder than 9-11 ever could have.

Right now I’m despondent. Something beautiful was destroyed by a shitty cat. Rest in peace cupcakes; your journey from the oven to my lower G.I. will not happen, disappointing everyone.

Nurses/Mountain Goats

 

It’s weird seeing two shows in the same week. Sometimes it can be exhausting, and my developing tinnitus seems to be angry when this happens. One of the nice things about it is when the music is so different from the stuff featured in the earlier show.  Walking into Thursday night’s concert featuring The Mountain Goats and Nurses at The Grey Eagle, I knew that it’d be different from the metal battle royal that I witnessed on Monday.

 

First things first: the crowds at indie rock shows in Asheville, NC have to be the most self-involved douches in the country. When they aren’t constantly texting and Facebooking during bands they talk. Loudly. The near sell-out crowd was a sea of touch screens, keeping these hipsters up-to-date on what other hipsters where doing in other locales and letting them speak loudly to each other about whatever thing was happening in their lives instead of the great music being played in front of them. Before the show, I navigated my way up front though a throng of kids just sitting in circles waiting for the show to start. For some reason this angers me thoroughly at shows. I pray that my knee goes all wobbly and nails one of these kids in the face at some point.

 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about the music. Yes, it wasn’t the full body assault that Anthrax, Testament and Death Angel were responsible on Monday night, but it was a damn exciting show. Each band brought their own sound to the evening, and it made for a night of music that didn’t feel monotonous.

The opening act, Nurses, was a revelation. I’d only heard of them via promotional emails from publicists, but they played a nice blend of white indie funk and nice melodies. Their songs built around awesome grooves between the bass and drums and then were rounded out by spare guitars, reverb-y vocals, keyboards and samples that helped accent the sound. I expected guys coming up and singing about their feelings or something, but what I got was awesome bedroom rock for guys in Western Shirts and glasses. You can’t fuck to Pavement, but you could fuck to Nurses – that’s a good thing. I don’t have a copy of their album Dracula, but its added to the top of my to-buy list after last night’s show.

The headliner, The Mountain Goats, came out next to a hokey gospel sing along. From there, they rambled through an off-the-cuff (no setlist!) performance that was energetic and fun. If I sound a bit meh about the performance, it is because the band’s music has always been about John Darnielle’s excellent lyrics. The guy is a hell of a writer. Songs like “You Were Cool” and “This Year” really stuck out and rang over the crowd. The rest of the show was great, but Darnielle’s words were getting lost amongst the chatter near the bar and the enthusiastic shout alongs near the front of the stage. But it was still a good-to-great performance. Darnielle himself looked pleased with the band’s performances after a few songs (especially after “Psalms 40:2”, where he mouthed “wow” and complemented drummer Jon Wurster and bassist Peter Hughes on their performance).

 

It was a good night of music, and although I spent some of the night trying to focus on Darnielle’s excellent writing and trying to distract myself from the fact that he looks so much like The Daily Show’s John Oliver, I really enjoyed The Mountain Goats, but Nurses put on a far more interesting and surprising set.

At the end of the show, the crowd filed out. Some stopped to pay bar tabs and others stopped to buy merchandise and meet John Darnielle. I lingered near the stage for a chance to speak with Mountain Goats drummer Jon Wurster, who also drums for Superchunk. We talked for a few and I begged him to come back to Asheville to play (the Chapel Hill-based band hasn’t played in town since 1995). Wurster was friendly and funny, remarking that he thought my camera was a radio while we subtly made fun of the drunk guys trying to turn their smart phones into cameras. Here’s a picture.

I think I’ve said before it was a good evening of music. It was. I was happy driving home. Indie rock may not be the punch in the face that a metal show is, but it can make for a good night.

The Dogpile Begins

If you’ve been online today and paid attention to just about any site that pays attention to popular music you’ve probably seen the string of bad reviews that have sprung up about Lana Del Rey’s album Born to Die.  My initial thoughts about the hype was simply asking why are all of these sites giving so much attention to an album that they pretty unilaterally agree is bad?  That was followed, of course, by the prerequisite who the hell is Lana Del Rey, and then I wondered why there is so much anger in these reviews.

For my readers who exist in the same sort of bubble that I find myself inhabiting, it’s okay. We can make it through the Deluge of Del Rey together.  She’s the latest in a terribly long line of female pop stars that fizzle instead of sizzle. She’s already flamed out publicly during her much-talked about Saturday Night Live appearance, and it seems like this album is probably going to certify her as a flash in the pan.  But this isn’t just someone saying that Del Rey is a throwaway pop tart, these are attacks that are just plain mean.

 

From Spin:

 

This is all stupendously hokey and stylized and yet immensely appealing; it’s a fully defined sound — a point of view, as Heidi Klum would have it — and worth surrendering to even if you’re the sort of person who’d enjoy watching a TV show where people who use the phrase “the gangster Nancy Sinatra” are shot out of cannons, directly into walls.

 

Stereogum:

 

[T]he songs come off like 15 different variations on a drunk chick at the bar trying to convince someone to come home with her.

 

Sure, most good reviews have a bit of venom, but these just reek of betrayal more than anything; like an angry group of indie nerd record reviewers were just told that Santa Claus (or Thom Yorke) wasn’t real.  They seem insulted that Del Rey is just a persona of a more vanilla singer-songwriter and they want to bring it up in every review. It’s just too much. I’m okay with hype, but the palatable sense of anger by the nerds who write music columns – nerds who very well could be me if editors would realize that I am a goddamn genius – is simply hilarious to me.

 

So in the name of deciphering why there was so much rage, I decided to listen to Del Rey’s Born to Die tonight. What follows are my impressions of the album. Free from the rage or namechecking of the artist’s real name.

Born to Die is not good. But, I don’t think that it’s supposed to be good. The songs, more than anything establish Lana Del Rey as a brand. She’s not the new Madonna – that’s Lady Gaga, she’s not Cyndi Lauper – that’s Katy Perry, and she’s not Janet Jackson – that’s Beyonce. Instead, Del Rey is positioning herself as some sort of Fiona Apple clone.  There’s that fucked up, tragic pretty girl thing happening and the torchy songs colliding with strings. Its dumb music that is barely tolerable, but the kids will eat it up.  There are three clearly discernibly different melodies on the entire album and Del Rey manages to deliver them all in the same monotone. This is obviously music that has been processed and focus grouped and produced all to hell, but did anyone expect it not to be?

 

I think that’s where all of the anger and frothing at the mouth to tear down the image of this pre-fabricated star that music blogs like Pitchfork and Stereogum created comes from: she isn’t real, and she was created by record executives. She was then marketed towards those sites and they bought into this idea of a new Dusty Springfield/Nancy Sinatra character that they were selling. Indie nerds are supposed to be a bit savvier than this, and yet they were had by Lana Del Rey’s people.

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you are stupid enough to be moved in any way by something made, manufactured and marketed by a huge company like Interscope Records (who released Born to Die), then you probably deserve this album.  To me, it’s nothing more (or less) than a Sandra Bullock film: meaningless fluff that will be out of my limited view in the next week.

 

And I’m okay with that.

Professional Wrestling and Baby Oil.